Updated: Jun 9, 2022
- From my deepfeels collection; writings about my intimate struggles -
Feelings of frustration and sadness pouring over me.
Reflecting on the connections I had in the past.
Dreaming how my life would have been if they were still around.
Then my thoughts spiral out as to why it didn't work out.
Why that lover is no longer a lover, why that group of friends no longer are friends.
What if I acted differently. Would I still have them in my life?
I sit in silence.
I then get overwhelmed by the fact that I feel alone.
I don't have the support I want and no one is here to rescue me.
Oh you're so strong they say.
Little do they know.
Who actually knows,
the pictures you see online
the carefully curated content written with intention.
Yes I know, I wrote it, I posted it
But do you actually know?
Do you care to know?
Why are you here?
Do I even know you?
In the world of million followers, who actually follows you?
I sit in solitude, my hands glued to the phone.
This app that app I switch back and forth,
So much to do yet no desire for anything.
I feel a deep breath as it bubbles up with tears and overwhelm,
I don't know
- yet -
I know I do.
- yet -
I just slept 14 hours.
This feeling isn't mine.
Its moving through me and I've seen this before.
The brighter the light shines, the more darkness it will illuminate
Oh the darkness, the void, the feels - I Am present sitting deep it it
Life and many of human emotions arent easy
We all wanted to grow up and be adults... yet here we are adulting
Stressed out, malnourished, dehydrated, busy, running around chasing,
chasing money, status, power, love, control, salvation.
the next big thing
what is it?
what will finally make you happy?
Deep solitude can be a medicine
to others its a prison
one of the mind and running scary thoughts,
no place to go but your awareness
as it sinks deeper you get pulled into the spiral of uncomfortable thoughts, emotions, and feelings, they hunt you. They know your weakness and know how to feed off your emotions.
My sore spot is loneliness, but it is also my strength,
I grew up an only child, parents working.
All I had was me and the adventures id create for myself.
But being an adult things are different.
Social media doesn't help.
Fuck boys don't help.
Running a business doesn't help.
It's between me and my thoughts.
Its between me and the strength of my Spirit & my connection to God
Sometimes I feel helpless, a victim, I want a daddy's lap to cry in,
but hey I never had that privilege either. I pray to God for help.
Today I sit with loneliness and overwhelm of planning my first retreat.
It's exciting and also scary.
I want to be all the things, yet I am only one person.
Overgiving, overdoing, and overthinking - I know me well enough.
Today I feel a bubble in my belly and pressure in my chest.
I want to go outside but I feel stuck sitting at home, I have so much to do,
yet I don't do anything.
This is a call for deep rest,
Have you met my friend deepression.
But thats enough for now.
I sit in silence.